Sunday, January 6

The bourbon, the 7am, the colors

I seem to be at a point in my life where I am turned on (artistically) 24 hours a day. Mothers often look back on the beginning of their child's life and say that they truly don't know how they juggled a baby and a job and all the other things that pop up, but when we find ourselves in situations like that, we automatically pull from a little pot of excess energy that we've stored for years, waiting for the perfect rainy day (or year) to spend it. I design when I'm at work and I design when I'm not at work, and even when I'm not designing I'm usually thinking about it in some way. Even when it's just asking someone to explain broken crosses or upside down crosses to me.

I had my first panic attack in early 2010; it landed me in the ER thinking that I was dying as all my muscles locked up from hyperventilation and probably scared the bajeezus out of Mike Cooper, who had to give up our plans of seeing Conan O'Brien do standup to drive me to Cedars-Sinai and watch me try to sign all of my paperwork with a very shaky curled-up hand. It was that day that a very artistic friend told me that when he's stressed out, he focuses on color.

It's very hard to do, but if I have just the right kind of focus I can pull it off. I remove shapes, shades, context, everything...until I can ONLY see the colors around me, and for some reason I feel my stress instantly disappear.

Maybe it's because I surround myself with the colors that make me feel the happiest: grass green and warm pinks, usually. And it's quite obvious that those are the colors that do it for me; look at the Color board that I've been pinning on! My choices are hilariously predictable:



My point is this: I've somehow found my thing. The thing that calms me down and also seems to turn me on. I can look at anything and strip it down until it's only a color. People, even! Some people seem to be colors to me. Maybe it's got something to do with being synesthetic.

I am single. I've been single for a while, but haven't posted about it or written about it because I've felt strange about doing so, and plus it's frankly no one else's goddamn business. BV is a wonderful person and I have no doubt that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives, but we just weren't a good romantic match. It was a beautiful 2.5ish - 3ish years but it became obvious that we were holding each other back from being the people that we enjoy being. I feel sad about it, really really sad. But even within that sadness I understand how necessary it was. I suppose the lack of relationship has been motivating me too. I wasn't creatively stifled before, but when I suddenly find myself with no obligations, the world becomes a bit brighter and more colorful. Plus I guess I just really need the distraction of throwing myself into work. So what do I do? I just move on. And I am.

All I know is that I am so relieved and grateful to have a friend like Cindy, who will do anything with me and make it fun, and will even prevent me from feeling bad when I get stupid that-wasn't-meant-for-you text messages in Target while buying bulk Friskies for some stray kittens. Good friends are so rare.

This is what I'm listening to tonight. If you like the song, there's a previously unreleased live version that he put out in 2006 here, it blew my fucking mind.


It's hard for me to find a way
to get through another city day
without thinking about
getting out

12 comments:

  1. it's awesome that you've found something that works for you like that! i'm working my way there, but i'm not quite there yet.

    you sound like you're doing a great job of getting through the obstacles that have been put in your way. keep it up. :)

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  2. "Some people seem to be colors to me."

    That is probably one of the most beautiful things I've read all day.

    I am probably 1% of a synesthete, but the idea of focusing on colour while walking through the stresses and obstacles of every day life is such a wonderful image. Personally, I love colour myself, and delve in it every day, that seeing it as a safety blanket never really occurred to me, until reading your post. It actually makes a lot of sense.

    Wishing you the strength to continue focusing on the colour as you endure the rest of the difficult days, and may colour also paint your lighter days, as well.

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    1. you are wonderful, thank you for that :)

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  3. Really inspirational post Hannah. I finished reading it and felt like I should do something with my time... thanks!

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  4. Your post is very timely for me, as I feel I'm about to make the same decision for my life. It's good to know that creativity might be a little perk to get me through the sadness.

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    1. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here! I'm finally getting to a point where I'm happy about it/feeling good, but I had a rough couple of months. Creativity is definitely a tremendous perk.

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  5. The whole focussing on colours thing to relieve stress is awesome. I am totally stealing it for a screenplay! :)

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    1. do it! I bet it'd be a really cool thing to try and film (from that person's perspective)

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  6. I admire you for recognizing that it was time to move on from your relationship. I know it's a lot harder than it sounds.

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    1. I spent soooooo long going back and forth about it, and we weren't really in a good place for a long time. I feel good about it now, but I'm realizing that the only reason I feel good is because I went through the breakup pain while I was still IN the relationship. Yikes. haha

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  7. Sometimes, throwing yourself into work is the best thing for you! Distractions are a super powerful & wonderful thing :) It's awesome that you've found something to help keep you calm no matter what, now I'm hoping I find something like that soon! I usually just turn to music, but you have such a great way that can be done anytime, anywhere!

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