Saturday, March 30

The mistakes that I've made

I fucked up. Really bad.

I pushed someone that I love very far away. I was inconsiderate. I was hurtful. It wasn't all me, but a lot of the bottom-line issues were my own.

I don't know why I have such a hard time identifying with people. I just don't get it. I notice myself having a big, open heart for inanimate objects and animals and fictional fucking characters, but when it comes to returning love to the people that love me, I always struggle. I take love for granted and I treat people like they're disposable, even though I don't mean to do it.

I told BV on Thursday night (the first time that we've seen each other in months, because I'm an asshole that went on a 2 month long bender and ignored the breakup almost entirely) that I'm not wired to give out love as easily as he is. I wish that I was, but I just wasn't born that way. I'm envious of his ability to love other people so openly. All he ever wanted from me was for me to be able to match the amount of care that he showed me, and I was rarely able to. He cares more than the average person, and I care less. Those qualities don't mesh well. And now he's leaving on a month long road trip and then moving away shortly after he gets back, and I've spent my weekend feeling terrified of the day that he leaves. The second he walked into my apartment on Thursday I started to miss him.

I'm not with this person anymore. We gave it 3 years before the differences between us just became too large, looming over our heads. It made sense to end the relationship. It still makes sense that we ended the relationship. There is a difference between missing someone and wanting to be with someone (thanks Ian), and I know I just miss him. But have you ever loved another person so much that you're never really sure WHAT the fuck you feel?

I had a conversation with a coworker a while ago - he hung up the phone after a quick conversation with his girlfriend and said, "That girl loves me so much." I said, "I know that feeling. I ran screaming from that feeling." He said, "That'll change. When you get older you get tired of running." And in my head, a little red light turned on and I thought YIKES. Am I just doing this/feeling this/being like this because I (wrongly) think that I have all the time in the world? Am I going to reach a point where I'm just tired of running and would really appreciate someone loving me so much that it's too much? Because...when THAT day comes, I'm going to feel even worse than I feel today. Shit.

This is why I'm so hard on myself when I mess up even the smallest things, and it's also why I'm hesitant to put myself in new situations where I know I might mess something up or appear less than perfect. Because the way I feel when I do is the loneliest, saddest feeling. I am such a dick sometimes that I really deserve to feel bad, so I scold myself if no one else does it first. I know that no one cares about my life as much as I do, and very few people pay attention to my fuckups, but let me assure you: I remember themm aalllllll.

It's scary becoming close to someone. It is the scariest thing I've ever felt. I'd like to think of myself as an open book, but I'm really only sharing the best parts with the rest of the world. The bad stuff never sees the light of day. It's impossible to hide those things when we're truly close to someone, and trying to never mess up is just exhausting. I am exhausted.

22 comments:

  1. I just want to say, that as a fellow introvert who has seriously wondered whether she falls somewhere on the autistic spectrum due to (among many things) my horrendous interpersonal skills, there is someone out there who will be okay with the way you love.

    Because I don't think you're not loving or not loving enough, I just think you're loving differently.

    My husband has had to learn not to be offended by things I say (I swear I filter things in my head to sound nice but they still come out as bitch) and I have learned that his lack of physical compassion when I'm hurt or sick isn't a lack of concern or love.

    We don't love the same, but we love each other and we've learned (and are learning still) what it means when the other person does x or says y. We chose to stick this out because there's more compatibility than incompatibility.

    So be scared and be lonely because 3 years is a long time to have something and then have it be gone. But please don't feel like you're flawed or behaving weirdly. And please don't kill your liver in the understanding process.

    Sincerely,
    Someone who loves your blog and who felt like you needed a virtual hug.

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    1. I know I thanked you earlier, but I have to say something that's not 140 characters - this comment really actually HELPED me. It's rare that other peoples words actually make me feel better (my own head always gets in the way) but this was just so necessary to hear because I know you understand. And even on the most basic level, I was feeling prettttty lonely when I wrote this post, which is rare for me, and knowing that someone cared helped too. Thank you thank you thank you. This is the reason why I feel comfortable talking about this stuff in a blog post!

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  2. Your worst enemy is you and it may be helpful sometimes, but it's really not helpful in the long run.

    I agree with everything Brandi said, but that I happened to be the person who loved too much. I still love too much and at the same time, I swear that I'm repelling friends left and right because I am so ridiculously hard on them. I choose not to love as much, though. It happens but if I could control it better, I would probably come off as cold. Love makes me crazy.

    It's okay if you feel scared and lonely, but it's nothing to destroy yourself or rip yourself to shreds over. You're you, H, and you are fucking amazing. There is someone in this world who is going to love the way you love and that will be it. In the meantime, just know that everything will be alright.

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    1. Sometimes hearing "everything will be alright" is the most comforting thing in the world. Thank you so much Natasha! I'm trying to not be so hard on myself! If only I had the sense to be a little nicer in the midst of these situations, I wouldn't feel such frustration with myself when they end :-X

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  3. Thanks for sharing this, it really hit home. Your posts do that to me sometimes.

    I am in that moment where I love someone so much that I don't know what the fuck I feel. And I'm starting to think this feeling is the fear of missing someone, rather than wanting to be with the person.

    It's exhausting to think of repeating the learning, the lessons, everything that has happened over the past four years...with someone new.

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    1. It's a scary realization to come to. Really, really scary. And it is EXHAUSTING to think of going through the past 3 years with anyone else, even if it's healthier or happier. But I think that just means I'm not ready for it and eventually I will be.

      Just know that if you find yourself feeling the way I feel, you've got someone to talk to, because I understand.

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  4. Oh, girl. I don't think I have the eloquence in me to match Brandi's beautiful comment, but I just wanted to let you know that I see and hear you. I've gone back and forth so many times in the past several years between forgiving myself and getting mad all over again for the shit I did years ago. Not just with romantic relationships, but any kind, including the one I have with myself.

    But I've seen how damaging it can be to beat yourself up for something you have no control over changing (e.g. the past). It's making the promise to yourself to not make the same mistake twice. And if you do make the same mistake over and over, identifying why you do it and then taking whatever steps necessary to try and break the habit. As far as how you love goes, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with it. There are so many different kinds of people and love, and how you love is just right for somebody. Right now, all you have to worry about loving is yourself. xo

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    1. You are absolutely right. Thank you my love :) I do need to be a little more considerate, but beyond that, I am who I am and someone is gonna be excited about that. Maybe possibly. hahaha

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  5. I was able to get through this entire blog post without seeing how you fucked up; as my roomie would so eloquently put it, "you're just livin' your life." And that's totally fine.

    Agreed entirely with Brandi, too- you just love differently; maybe we all do, and that's okay, too.

    loveyoutoomuch. <3

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  6. It's nice to see how the other half lives through a break up. I'm a "BV" in life - I love with my whole heart and jump into that love head first. When I went though my own painful break up (almost a year ago) it really did hurt that he seemed to not care. So I like that you're admitting here that, at least in your case, it was your fault - at least partially. It's tough to admit your wrong sometimes.

    Those of us who love more than they (seem) to get back are flawed too. I'm naive - I trust people too easily (or used to) and I (used to) believe people can change. I thought if I loved him and supported him that would be enough to inspire him to give back. He and I weren't as good together as we once thought because he wasn't going to change and neither was I and for some reason I ended up feeling walked all over. Like he took advantage of my love or something.

    I wish I could say there's a way to make it work - but I'm not sure. I don't really understand chemistry between couples. How they manage to just click. I'm not good at relationship stuff.

    I hope you don't take this comment the wrong way - that I'm judging you or anything. I think in doomed relationships there will always be a person who's more into it than the other.

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    1. I'm fairly certain that when you said he ended up feeling walked all over and like he took advantage of your love, that's EXACTLY what Brady felt too. And I know that the kind of person I am is why he felt that way, and it's sad because I never wanted to hurt him, we just kept getting more and more frustrated that we weren't giving each other what we needed.

      I love with my whole heart and I jump in headfirst too, I just always jump out first as well. Usually when I feel smothered or overwhelmed by requirements for affection that I can't meet. Someday someone will make me not want to do that, and that's the one that I'll be with forever.

      I thought I had a really good handle on chemistry, and sometimes I think I still do, but maybe I didn't understand it as well as I thought I did haha

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    2. I didn't mean to say you were some sort of monster who stomps on people's hearts. And I shouldn't have compared the two situations. I'd never compare you to my ex in a million years. He was mentally abuse and a coward. You are brave! It takes a lot of courage to admit when you're wrong. I know, because I'm super stubborn. I'm just the walking wounded when it comes to love.

      I hope someday you find that person that doesn't make you want to run screaming in the other direction. I hope someday that I find someone who won't run away from me.

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  7. My boyfriend is just better at expressing his feelings towards me. I thought that maybe I didn't care as much but really it was more that he would just be more vocal about it so I got it in my head that he did. When I thought about it I realized that I felt the same way about him, I just have a harder time letting those feelings show.

    And if you don't have those feelings then they're not the right person for you. If they're the right person you'll feel it and they'll give you the time to express how you feel.

    I hope i"m making sense ha ha. But you're not mean, I feel like I get where you're coming from.

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    1. You're making perfect sense, and I understand exactly how you feel. I thought I didn't care as much, and in the grand scheme of things I don't think that I do, but I also mistook some of my feelings for not caring when they were really just a different kind of love. Thanks girl xx

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  8. Damn, I'm sorry it took me so long to read this. "There is a difference between missing someone and wanting to be with someone" is something that I have to remind myself on an (almost) daily basis. The definitions so often become blurred in moments of weakness or loneliness. I have been in your ex's situation, and I have been in your situation too in the past, neither is easy. But you'll be okay Hanna, and so will I.

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    1. the lines have been blurred with BV and I about 600 times, which is why I'm still having trouble deciding which it is that I feel on any given day. But we will be fine, yessir!

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  9. Once upon a time I fell head over heels in love with an introvert. I fell so hard and felt love so deep for someone who could literally go days without talking to me (we lived in the same house) and who didn't even look up when I entered a room. I did EVERYTHING for this one. He didn't even have to pick out his clothes. I literally loved the shit out of him and treated him the only way I knew how. One day, completely out of the blue (to me, this one wasn't a big sharer) he told me he was leaving me, going to live on the other side of the world, in ONE week. I was DEVASTATED.
    Two years later we are best friends. We talk ALL the time and we are closer than we were when we were together.
    Now I understand, I get him. We love differently. We love so differently and I loved him so selfishly that he left. He felt smothered, he felt that he couldn't match up to what I was giving.
    If I went back to him (not that I would now, I am happy with my boy...) I would love him so differently, I would be what he needed.
    I think in a relationship it is both party's responsibility to learn about the person they love, and learn how they love and learn how they like to be loved...
    I guess my point is (sorry for taking over your comment section, self indulgent twit that I am!) that when the time comes, someone will take the time to figure out how you like to be loved and then you won't be all hating on yourself because you will be rewarded for how you love. And the time you need alone will be respected and the times when you can't fling your arms around someone in the middle of the street and declare your undying love for them will be understood. Fuck yeah it's hard and scary, but there will be that someone that will make it worth it. Hope my ramblings make sense. You are smart, you are brave and you are beautiful. Love Elle xo

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    1. Most wonderful comment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Really. This made my heart feel such relief. xoxoxoxox

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    2. Ah Hanna, I am happy you are feeling better.xoxox

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  10. So I heard this today and thought of you and this and that even though I make terribly insensitive jokes, you must know, I gotchu.

    http://open.spotify.com/track/4qX3TeRTTguy1T8oNnwTLu

    It's just heartache
    And you are not alone

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  11. I'm a perfectionist in many ways, too, and this has been a struggle for me in a relationship. I'm lucky that I have a boyfriend who is patient, understanding, and communicative because I often times want to throw it out of the window because I feel TOO exposed. It's like, the vulnerability sometimes becomes TOO much and I just want to start over and not have someone know those parts of me that I'm not necessarily comfortable with myself. I feel this my relationship has been a series of these moments, but I also feel like it's a good thing. Some days, I'm scared about being so close to another person and other days, I am so, so, so glad for it. But in some ways, I think our romantic relationships mirror our relationships with ourselves... and I can see that. Because I want to do the same thing with myself sometimes... starting over, and everything. Ah, the ways of perfectionists.

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