Monday, May 7

Things I'm afraid to tell you


Today I found this post, a response to an idea that originated over here. I do know that my blog is a lot less phony and full of fluffy inspirational pictures than many other bloggers similar to me, but I also know that I hold back an incredible amount. I'm very opinionated. And I have a very interesting life. And I've been very inspired by some of the things I've read today. Bloggers are an interesting group because the majority of us enjoy posting recipes and style photos and design and music, but we don't get down and dirty because we're afraid no one will want to hear us get serious. Not the case! Not even one little bit. I love reading honest, well-written posts from bloggers that I usually go to for inspiration; I feel like my life makes more sense when I can relate to someone in more than just one way (especially if that one way is visual inspiration, which is a rather shallow point to relate to someone on, even though it means everything to some of us - including myself). Therefore, I am joining the little movement and posting some deep, terrifying shit to prove that my life is not solely full of artwork and doodled hearts and daydreams and kitties.

1. My first full-time job scarred me. I was in love with my boss (Don't do that, kids! It's really the fucking stupidest idea you can ever have and I will NNNEEEEVVVEEERRRRR make that mistake again) and it wasn't a good environment for me. Everything that I did, everything that I said...it was all judged. I've always been a blogger and I've always tried to be real, even when I was nervous to do it, but they ruined that for me. They told me that because my blog was unhappy, I was making the company look bad (my personal blog, that no one was really reading except for close friends and apparently them). They were the reason I hated California the first time I lived here even though I couldn't gather the courage to tell them that, and they were the reason that for the next 2 years, I had to rebuild every ounce of self-confidence that I had, because they made me feel like everything I did/said/ate/listened to/liked was not good enough. I found myself wanting to help them out when they came to me later on with freelance work, and was even torn when the possibility of working with them again came up last summer, but shortly thereafter I made up my mind that I wouldn't put myself through that again. And I never got to tell them, because they never re-contacted me about the job. I'm fine with that. Truthfully, no one has ever hurt me as much as they did, but I will never say that any of them are bad people. They're not at all. It was really just a terrible match on all fronts.

Interestingly enough, no employer has had issues with me blogging since them. In fact, some of my superiors here rather enjoy it, and I can be totally honest with them with no judgement. That's how it should be, for me at least.

(In order for your Hanna to bloom, you must provide a vast field with plentiful natural resources and space to spread roots in, not just a tiny pot on a shelf lalalalaaaa)

2. I am so tempted to give up all 9-5 jobs forever to freelance full-time, but I'm too scared to take the first step because I don't want to put that pressure on myself. I'm terrible with obligation. I appreciate the stability of a normal full-time job, but I flip-flop on whether I NEED it or not. Conveniently, I also love to learn but hate being taught. I have to learn things on my own or else I just get uncontrollably annoyed at my teacher. See how great I am? Look at all the sense I make, yaaaaa! In all seriousness, I like working. Especially when it's design. Maybe I just haven't found the perfect opportunity yet.

3. I love LA but I struggle with the distance from my parents. They're not going to be here forever, and all I truly want to do is move back to Buffalo, start my own design studio or find a good one to work at, and be within 100 miles of them. I'm really only staying here because I know I have a lot to learn and LA is a perfect place to do that, and I am in the best relationship of my entire life with a man who may not really want to include Buffalo NY in his life plan. But I'd move anywhere as long as it meant my path home was significantly shorter. When my grandma was dying, it took me 26 hours after the initial phone call to step onto Buffalo soil, even with the fast action of my boss who so generously bought me a flight. 26 hours is too long in an emergency situation. Thankfully Stella held on for another day before she took her final breath, but I worry that my goodbyes will not always be that well-timed.

Maybe I'll do that more often. *pats self on back*

17 comments:

  1. It's tough to "get real" on the internet sometimes. Especially when they're things you hate admitting to anyone.

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    1. It sure is, and that first one is a doozy. It's the only time I've ever had to ask my mom if she was sitting down when I told her hahahaha

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    2. I also got kinda real on my blog recently, but I didn't really go into details.

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  2. I love reading 'real' blogs, and try to stay away from the fashion etc posts.. I'm so happy to have found this one!

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    1. And I am so very happy to have you :D

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  3. ooo this is fun! i like to read real life stuff. i'm sooo tired of people acting perfect just because they're online. anyway, i'm sorry that your coworkers hurt you. i had a really bad experience last year at work... for the first time in my life i walked out (ok, stormed out in a fury) of my job...ended up in counseling...didn't work again for 6 months...now i'm a housewife for the most part, but i take on assignments about 2x a month. working fucking sucks. i'm my own boss now. and i wish you the best!

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I've stormed out before too, ironically not at the one I talked about above, but at an after-hours pizza shop in college after slamming my fists down so hard on the counter that everyone in the restaurant stopped eating and stared at me LOL. CONGRATS on being your own boss, I cannot wait to know what that feels like!

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  4. i'm 92 percent open on my blog. the 8 percent is to keep nosey people at bay. and sometimes i juggle guys and i don't want them getting offended by that. blog for you girl!

    http://challengedromantic.blogspot.com

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    1. hahaha i love the juggling guys reason - before i met my current boyfriend i would absolutely do the same thing!! And I'm hoping that by me putting it all out there the novelty of being nosey will wear off ;)

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  5. you're just wonderful.

    when you become a super-successful, full-time freelancer, you can be bicoastal.. then you'll have everything you want :)

    and I'll be closer to a blooming Hanna!

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    1. YOU are just wonderful, Ms Darth Veda!! And I am so excited that you set up a site for yourself too, I will be a regular reader :D

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  6. Congratulations on opening your self up. Every now and again I get a little serious and I am always welcomed with comments of people getting involved in what I am talking about. I am in the middle of writing a VERY personal book and for the most part it is a very sad book. I have been tempted to put some of my paragraphs out there in the blog world, and you may have given me the push to do it. I was worried about bringing people down but I see that people really appreciate honesty. So well done, you may have started a movement.

    Love Elle xo

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    1. Do it do it do it!! I will be a proud reader. If it's gonna bring people down, those people can just find something else to look at and stop being so judgemental to begin with. I say: as long as your intentions are pure, honestly will ALWAYS be the best - conversations, blogs, or any other medium. XO

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  7. Thank you for participating in this and sharing it here! At the risk of becoming overly honest and open on my blog (that last one was a doozy), I might have to join in on this movement, too.

    I so feel ya on the 9-5 dilemma. Oh god help me. I've been at my first "real" job for a year, and I'm already seriously questioning whether I'll be able to work in this kind of environment in the long-term. I strongly crave a more creative environment and experience, yet I'm afraid I'm not quite creative enough to pull it off. But I think I already know what kind of advice I'd get on THAT issue...

    However it came about, it's really good you got out of that first LA job. It sounds so unhealthy and like it's a really good way to fall out of love with the city.

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    1. Haha good way to fall out of love with the city is right, that's exactly what I did! The only time I liked it was the 2 week period before I moved where I didn't work there anymore! I'm so thankful to never have to put myself in that position again.

      First "real" jobs are always a strange transitional period, I definitely understand! I read something once that said it takes people 3 full-time jobs before we find something to stick with and really grow with. It definitely held true for me, I'm at my third now and have gotten really attached to the people and have learned more here than anywhere else. Creativity is such an amazing thing, I'm certain you'll be able to pull it off!! That's another thing I noticed too - I could never come up with the sort of ideas i KNEW i was capable of having at that first job, but with each new workplace I became more able to do so. Even if you're not sure of your creativity now, I bet you will be in a year or two!

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  8. I know what you mean about being here in L.A. and so far from him. I feel like I'm never very available in an emergency! But then at the same time, I like the independence that living in California offers me.

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    1. I'm really glad to be away from the small-town mentality usually, but my family definitely isn't part of that mentality so I always just think about going back, even if they're the only ones I talk to haha

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