The black wall, the urge to punch myself in the throat

I was gonna march right over to Orchard Supply Hardware on Saturday and buy myself a gallon of black paint, but I was so hungover that I couldn't move from my bed on Saturday, so I marched right over on Sunday instead. I'll get to that in a minute.

A couple weeks ago I posted this photo on Instagram and my friend Jacob commented on it, saying, "you are on one lately, I love it."

I thought to myself, "Yes sir I AM on one lately, and it feels just great."

I then thought, "maybe I should stop being on one?" and immediately was like NAWW that's not necessary, I haven't been out of control, I've just been doing a ton of new things and I feel great. EVERYTHING IS GREAT.

Saturday I woke up with a fake tattoo on my arm that I had no recollection of licking and sticking, and a pile of cats on my chest. I reached for my phone only to discover a late-night conversation I had with someone (who had far more patience with me than he should have had, honestly) that was complete and total psychobabble. No idea what I was trying to say. No idea how the night ended (although I was soon informed and it wasn't my shining moment, that's for sure). No idea WHAT THE FUCK I was doing or thinking.

Needless to say I am no longer on one. You win, world. I had a good 2.5 month streak of craziness with almost zero breaks, but I'm ready to calm the fuck down for a while. I'm always way harder on myself than other people are on me, but I can't help it. I dooo nooot like feeling out of control.

Anyway, paint. I ended up going with Blacktop by Benjamin Moore, and even the lady mixing it said, "this is a REALLY nice black!" I agree. It's rich and it looks as fabulous as black paint can possibly look. I sent my room into that Apartment Therapy contest this afternoon, so we'll see if they decide I'm worthy of a post or any votes at all. I started feeling all mine-isn't-as-good-as-yours after submitting it and looking at everyone else's rooms, but then I had to remind myself that I have my own style, I should not try to be like everyone else. Junior in college high school lessons, re-learned haha. BE YOURSELF.


I'll post photos of the room after Apartment Therapy approves/denies my submission. Cause I didn't read the rules of the contest, but there's probably some rule that says they have first dibs on pictures. Who knows.

My Uncle died on Sunday morning. We weren't close and there's a lot of things about his life that I'm unclear on, but after so many years of not being well, I hope he's in a better place now.

And to you, if you read it, I know you think that I don't care, but that's not true and I'm glad we're doing a little bit better.

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