Friday, April 26

The door is always open

Once in a while I can feel a person's energy when I walk into a room. I feel them and I learn about them with considerable ease through split-second flashes that my brain gives me - pictures of the way they live or the way I might experience life with them. Blue and white stripes, a breeze on a balcony overlooking red and brown rooftops, pajama pants, a drink in my right hand, and music playing while he works. The feeling is so real that sometimes I question whether there are two separate halves of me: one half venturing off to experience that moment while the other sits calmly, waiting for the report.

I'm in the strangest state of mind. I fall in love so deeply and so effortlessly and so fleetingly. I'm in love with 2 or 3 people at a time because I can't help it. I fall in love with places, times, words. I feel everything at once and then it's gone. Infatuation looks good on me.

I have trouble looking at love as an everlasting state of union although I suppose it's everlasting in that I still feel warmth and gratitude from it after it's gone. It's not that I don't believe in being with someone forever, but I tend to see love as a set of individual moments in time where I experience pure bliss. These moments are selfless and sweet, and they're all I think about.




(the photos above are from arrestedmotion.com)


I left Gary Baseman's show at the Skirball last night feeling so thankful and inspired that today I actually feel lightweight, like a block of worry has been released from my head. In order to translate the intense love that I sometimes feel, I absolutely must let go of anything holding me back. I will be thankful to Baseman forever for helping me see that.

If people don't like what I do, I won't let myself give them another thought. I've made a promise to myself to finally communicate all the love that I have to give, and it's honestly the most important thing I've ever done. If I've gotten this far in my life with all my worries and judgement, I cannot wait to see where I go now that I'm free from it.













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14 comments:

  1. This was beautifully written and beautifully experienced. I loved it. There were some DELICIOUS phrasings and sentences and wisdom.

    Inherent aesthetic aside, I loved what you were saying about flashes of intuition when you meet people. That's like a SUPERPOWER. Awesome.

    Also... I think love and relationships are like what you said -- moment to moment. I think the only reason I've been able to be in this one so long is because I can't think about the future too much... I have to be present in it everyday. Sometimes that's a challenge, but if we think about it, it really is all we have. We can't live life based on potential alone -- we have to be HERE. And the other person owes you that, too. And hopefully you continue growing in the same direction and liking each other enough that you can begin to build something that's strong, that intertwines, that's steady, and that's beautiful.

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    1. I sometimes struggle with remember that it's the moments that matter when things get tough, but overall it's something that makes a lot of sense to me. My imagination has always run wild when I'm fascinated with someone; I think it creates those images in my head just so I'll shut up hahaha

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  2. This exhibition is just blowing my mind right now! I have to get to LA ASAP to see it before it closes.

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    1. GO! It runs until August so you have a few months. It is so worth the trip; I have to go back this week and really look at things because it was too crowded to do that at the opening. He is fantastic and so inspiring and there is SO MUCH to get through at this exhibition. Rooms upon rooms of it, it's amazing. It's an entire house!

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  3. love is weird like that.

    i like this.

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    1. I am so glad. Love is the weirdest. I had a lot more clarity when I wrote that than I have now, but that's OK. It always comes back to me.

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  4. Beautiful writing. This: "If I've gotten this far in my life with all my worries and judgement, I cannot wait to see where I go now that I'm free from it." - is something to strive for.

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    1. I don't think it's going to be easy, given my natural inclination towards self-sabotage and judgement, but I'm going to try and try and try again until I get it right haha. Thank you so much <3

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  5. I loved reading that you don't think of love as everlasting; I don't either, and I always feel guilty for it -- as if I don't love enough. I want the time a relationship lasts to be finite, but the love itself to be infinite. So always feeling warmth and gratitude for the love shared, like you said, but not having to dedicate my life to that one love.

    That exhibit looks amazing, too! I really enjoy your blog.

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    1. I've often felt like I don't love enough (shit, just scroll through the last 5 or 6 posts and you'll get a lot of that), but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I love DEEPLY, it's just different than most people. Thank you so much for stopping by!

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  6. That bed is just begging to be jumped on.

    I completely understand your thoughts on love. I feel that it is possible to have something that will last the rest of your life, but I feel like the love evolves as the years pass by and it's never like it was in the beginning, if that makes sense?

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  7. You have explained about your experience well. And the photos of this exhibition are perfect.

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