Pulp Fiction dance scene image from here
My knees have been weak.
They've been weak so many times. I've spent hours, days, months, years feeling as though I might lift right off the ground from the momentum that my heart creates. When it's not due to a person plucking just the right strings inside my head, it comes from something else. A great song, the month of May, Avery Maharaja, etc. I am never bored with my own self. I'll never need someone else to entertain me or keep me company or make me feel needed. For that, I am thankful; however, feeling as though I've been set on fire from human interaction is a different type of entertainment.
My whole life, I've only been interested in fascination. If it doesn't consume me, I don't want it. If I'll only be average at it, I won't do it. If I can't love it with my entire being, I won't love it. My standards for living and loving are sky high. I am a difficult person to get to know only only only when the wrong person tries to get to know me. Chemistry and passion in all things are so sought after in my life that sometimes I forget to keep my feet planted on the ground when I find them, even though I run around flailing my arms, ranting about how "realism is way smarter than optimism" and blahhh blah.
Because I create trouble for myself; I am really, really good at creating trouble for myself. I do it for my own entertainment because I know how it will end. I create trouble for myself and I become electrified. Every nerve, every hair, every blink, every thought.
I've got all the time in the world, really.
What else do any of us have? We only exist in this form for a minute. I prefer to spend my single minute feeling like I could float right up out of my chair, through this doorway and up into zero gravity, where I will sail freely with the thought of this human electricity always on my mind. If that means creating it rather than stumbling upon it, then that is precisely what will happen. I've learned so much about when to push and when to stand still.
When it works, when the electricity isn't just me playing games and I actually find myself in the rare situation where I simply cannot get close enough, literally or figuratively, I find something. I never know what the something is, but that's the moment that I find it.
I found it. And, of course, I have no idea what it is. Don't care.
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