Wednesday, February 27

The attraction

Pulp Fiction dance scene image from here

My knees have been weak.

They've been weak so many times. I've spent hours, days, months, years feeling as though I might lift right off the ground from the momentum that my heart creates. When it's not due to a person plucking just the right strings inside my head, it comes from something else. A great song, the month of May, Avery Maharaja, etc. I am never bored with my own self. I'll never need someone else to entertain me or keep me company or make me feel needed. For that, I am thankful; however, feeling as though I've been set on fire from human interaction is a different type of entertainment.

My whole life, I've only been interested in fascination. If it doesn't consume me, I don't want it. If I'll only be average at it, I won't do it. If I can't love it with my entire being, I won't love it. My standards for living and loving are sky high. I am a difficult person to get to know only only only when the wrong person tries to get to know me. Chemistry and passion in all things are so sought after in my life that sometimes I forget to keep my feet planted on the ground when I find them, even though I run around flailing my arms, ranting about how "realism is way smarter than optimism" and blahhh blah.

Because.

Because I create trouble for myself; I am really, really good at creating trouble for myself. I do it for my own entertainment because I know how it will end. I create trouble for myself and I become electrified. Every nerve, every hair, every blink, every thought.

I've got all the time in the world, really.

What else do any of us have? We only exist in this form for a minute. I prefer to spend my single minute feeling like I could float right up out of my chair, through this doorway and up into zero gravity, where I will sail freely with the thought of this human electricity always on my mind. If that means creating it rather than stumbling upon it, then that is precisely what will happen. I've learned so much about when to push and when to stand still.

When it works, when the electricity isn't just me playing games and I actually find myself in the rare situation where I simply cannot get close enough, literally or figuratively, I find something. I never know what the something is, but that's the moment that I find it.

I found it. And, of course, I have no idea what it is. Don't care.

--

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9 comments:

  1. I have read this post three times now and I don't know why, but it has filled me an insatiable urge to listen to Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. I think... maybe... you are Hanna In The Sky With Diamonds.

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    1. I think maybe you're right. I hope you got your fill of the song!

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  2. Reminds me of a song too! But just this part: "For a while, with the vertigo cured, we were alive, we were pure. The void took the shape of all that you were."

    Can we try to get me some Avery Maharajah soon?

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    1. 1642 next weekend should probably happen, right? Cause we can conveniently get it there. And whatever those lyrics are from, i LIKE em

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  3. I adore this post. It's vague, but in the good way. You're a fabulous writer.

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    1. oh gosh, that's a great compliment thank you!!

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  4. I too am a fan of the all consuming, can't get enough, every fiber of my being is involved feelings. And then I found my one... and it was just so... ordinary... I was shocked... I thought I would seek out the goosebumps and butterflies forever. I am not disappointed... just surprised. I love your writing :) Love Elle xo

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  5. Howdy this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I'm starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

    Here is my site - Scott Tucker

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    1. There are editors for posts and editors for designing sites as well. You shouldn't have to manually code anything unless you're comfortable with it. Blogger and Wordpress both have free templates that you can use, WYSIWYG template editing tools, and you can make posts display how you want them to before they go live.

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