The door is always open

Once in a while I can feel a person's energy when I walk into a room. I feel them and I learn about them with considerable ease through split-second flashes that my brain gives me - pictures of the way they live or the way I might experience life with them. Blue and white stripes, a breeze on a balcony overlooking red and brown rooftops, pajama pants, a drink in my right hand, and music playing while he works. The feeling is so real that sometimes I question whether there are two separate halves of me: one half venturing off to experience that moment while the other sits calmly, waiting for the report.

I'm in the strangest state of mind. I fall in love so deeply and so effortlessly and so fleetingly. I'm in love with 2 or 3 people at a time because I can't help it. I fall in love with places, times, words. I feel everything at once and then it's gone. Infatuation looks good on me.

I have trouble looking at love as an everlasting state of union although I suppose it's everlasting in that I still feel warmth and gratitude from it after it's gone. It's not that I don't believe in being with someone forever, but I tend to see love as a set of individual moments in time where I experience pure bliss. These moments are selfless and sweet, and they're all I think about.

(the photos above are from arrestedmotion.com)

I left Gary Baseman's show at the Skirball last night feeling so thankful and inspired that today I actually feel lightweight, like a block of worry has been released from my head. In order to translate the intense love that I sometimes feel, I absolutely must let go of anything holding me back. I will be thankful to Baseman forever for helping me see that.

If people don't like what I do, I won't let myself give them another thought. I've made a promise to myself to finally communicate all the love that I have to give, and it's honestly the most important thing I've ever done. If I've gotten this far in my life with all my worries and judgement, I cannot wait to see where I go now that I'm free from it.

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The Venice Canals, the morning coffee, the peace of mind

Thank you all so much for the sweet things that you said on my last post. Those were some of the most insightful and helpful comments that I've ever gotten on this blog, and I really really appreciate it. I know I was a little intense, but those feelings are scary real and I don't know what to do with them. I still don't, but I'm feeling about a million times better than I was when I wrote that. More on that in a bit.

I spent my Sunday in Venice, roaming the canals and Abbott Kinney with my camera. Venice has got to be one of the most colorful places in the US, right? There's always so much to look at.

(I've started wearing dresses. Hell hath frozen over. I blame Cindy.)

Cindy, Lily, and I are going to Bass Lake this weekend for an Indian themed wedding (henna!!). There will be a TON of photos from that.

BV left this morning for the road trip and I feel much more at ease about it than I did over the weekend. Maybe not really talking for a few months made me build up a shitstorm of emotion that I just had to get rid of? In any case, I love him and hope he has an amazing time seeing a ton of places that he's wanted to see for a long time. We got a quick coffee this morning and said our goodbyes, and I just feel happy to have my friend back.

Photo locations: Abbot Kinney Blvd, Abbot's Habit, the canals, Mao's Kitchen (and the one of Brady and I was taken in Palos Verdes)
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The same love, the doll parts, the something-is-missing

First things first, my bedroom is on ApartmentTherapy.com! The post is here and you can vote for me by clicking the red heart at the bottom of the post. It will let you log in with Facebook or Twitter so it's quick and painless! I need about...ohhhh...500 votes to get into the top 4 that will carry me through to the final round, and right now I have..........25. Hahahaha. I'm just happy to be in the running.

With that said, there's no need to post the pictures here (I tricked you!! Mothafuckaaas) because they're on AT and you can just see them there when you vote. If I had outtakes I'd post them here, but I was shooting on a weekday morning and therefore making myself late for work, so I only took what I needed to and then ran out the door.

I've had a strange weekend. There was nothing wrong with it; I went to see a screening of Jemal's short film at the Egyptian Theater, went out to eat with lovely people, went dancing in West Hollywood, lounged around, worked...but something felt off. I know what made it feel that way, and it's fine for me to suddenly feel it, especially since I've spent the past 3-4 months after this breakup not really feeling bad at all. It's just strange that it took so long to catch up with me. Friday I realized that I haven't gotten many hugs lately, and there used to be an abundance of them haha. It's all gonna be just fine, I know. Even writing it here makes me feel better. At least this way I'm taking a fistful of the clouds in my head and leaving them here on the internet for someone else to process for a while. THINKING IS SO HARD.

Point being, if you read this and you see me, you should drop everything and gimme a nice creepy bear hug.

From the past few days:

(scary doll head!)

Jemal DRACO it was so wonderful to see your face on the big screen for the first time (and certainly not the last). I love you!

I may just have a ragestorm brewing in my bones today, but I have to take a moment to note something. I LOVE...LOVE love love the blogging community because they are well-worded and thoughtful and the best listeners and friends, but every now and then I encounter one of those people that I can just tell was the kind of kid that always told on other students in school. Sometimes I just wanna crawl through my computer and grab a bitch by the throat. I'M ALREADY FEISTY ENOUGH DON'T MAKE ME WORSE

I am 
doll parts 
bad skin
doll heart


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