The same love, the doll parts, the something-is-missing

First things first, my bedroom is on ApartmentTherapy.com! The post is here and you can vote for me by clicking the red heart at the bottom of the post. It will let you log in with Facebook or Twitter so it's quick and painless! I need about...ohhhh...500 votes to get into the top 4 that will carry me through to the final round, and right now I have..........25. Hahahaha. I'm just happy to be in the running.

With that said, there's no need to post the pictures here (I tricked you!! Mothafuckaaas) because they're on AT and you can just see them there when you vote. If I had outtakes I'd post them here, but I was shooting on a weekday morning and therefore making myself late for work, so I only took what I needed to and then ran out the door.

I've had a strange weekend. There was nothing wrong with it; I went to see a screening of Jemal's short film at the Egyptian Theater, went out to eat with lovely people, went dancing in West Hollywood, lounged around, worked...but something felt off. I know what made it feel that way, and it's fine for me to suddenly feel it, especially since I've spent the past 3-4 months after this breakup not really feeling bad at all. It's just strange that it took so long to catch up with me. Friday I realized that I haven't gotten many hugs lately, and there used to be an abundance of them haha. It's all gonna be just fine, I know. Even writing it here makes me feel better. At least this way I'm taking a fistful of the clouds in my head and leaving them here on the internet for someone else to process for a while. THINKING IS SO HARD.

Point being, if you read this and you see me, you should drop everything and gimme a nice creepy bear hug.

From the past few days:

(scary doll head!)

Jemal DRACO it was so wonderful to see your face on the big screen for the first time (and certainly not the last). I love you!

I may just have a ragestorm brewing in my bones today, but I have to take a moment to note something. I LOVE...LOVE love love the blogging community because they are well-worded and thoughtful and the best listeners and friends, but every now and then I encounter one of those people that I can just tell was the kind of kid that always told on other students in school. Sometimes I just wanna crawl through my computer and grab a bitch by the throat. I'M ALREADY FEISTY ENOUGH DON'T MAKE ME WORSE

I am 
doll parts 
bad skin
doll heart


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The black, the non-black, the CONTEST

Hey everyone, ya know what's super cool about being a graphic designer that has so much inspiration shooting out of every hole that I just can't make up my mind about how I want anything to look, ever? I just end up with a closet full of black and a lot of white/black/gray designs. And a bedroom with a black wall*. Because it's easy. Because black goes with everything. Except that once you only have black, you don't have anything to pair with it except more black. And it's spring and it's almost April for Pete's sake and I'd really like to find some bright colors and patterns and textures to go with my black soul.

*Here's a peek at said wall (some color/greenery will be added to that area shortly, cause it needs it! I will NEVER get sick of the wall color though, it's perfect!) Apartment Therapy still has neither confirmed nor denied my acceptance into their bedroom thing, and I'm getting antsy because submissions ended on the 20th. It's fine either way, cause now I want to redo everything again already. CAUSE THIS IS WHAT I DO WITH MY WEEKENDS WHEN I DON'T GO OUT DRINKING.

Other than the beeeeige (when I type it like that I hear Ben Stein saying it in a very bored way, like this), it's not bad, yeah? I'd like to toss that dresser and lamp and get something nicer, but sometimes there just aren't enough funds to toss perfectly functional things, friends.

I've put together a little list of springy things. I should think about buying a couple of them. Starting with that scarf, because it's under $10.

Found: 01 / 02 / 03 / 04 / 05 / 06

LASTLY. I posted about this on my Facebook and also on 20sb in the forums, but I know I'll get the most feedback on it by going through this site so apologies if you've already read it twice now. I want to have a contest where people email me screenshots of their current blog that needs design help. I'll put them on my blog's facebook page in an album, everyone votes (friends can like the page and join in) and the winner gets a free redesign. Interested? If I can get at least 30 people that want in (which is a lot, but I gotta make sure that I'm guaranteed a decent amount of new Facebook fans/readers so the entire thing is worth the time it would take me to design a site for free on top of my standard workload, ya know?), I'll do it for sure.

Thoughts? Anyone interested?

That's all, I'm done with you. DONE WITH YOU. Go watch this video, it made me cry laughing.

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The black wall, the urge to punch myself in the throat

I was gonna march right over to Orchard Supply Hardware on Saturday and buy myself a gallon of black paint, but I was so hungover that I couldn't move from my bed on Saturday, so I marched right over on Sunday instead. I'll get to that in a minute.

A couple weeks ago I posted this photo on Instagram and my friend Jacob commented on it, saying, "you are on one lately, I love it."

I thought to myself, "Yes sir I AM on one lately, and it feels just great."

I then thought, "maybe I should stop being on one?" and immediately was like NAWW that's not necessary, I haven't been out of control, I've just been doing a ton of new things and I feel great. EVERYTHING IS GREAT.

Saturday I woke up with a fake tattoo on my arm that I had no recollection of licking and sticking, and a pile of cats on my chest. I reached for my phone only to discover a late-night conversation I had with someone (who had far more patience with me than he should have had, honestly) that was complete and total psychobabble. No idea what I was trying to say. No idea how the night ended (although I was soon informed and it wasn't my shining moment, that's for sure). No idea WHAT THE FUCK I was doing or thinking.

Needless to say I am no longer on one. You win, world. I had a good 2.5 month streak of craziness with almost zero breaks, but I'm ready to calm the fuck down for a while. I'm always way harder on myself than other people are on me, but I can't help it. I dooo nooot like feeling out of control.

Anyway, paint. I ended up going with Blacktop by Benjamin Moore, and even the lady mixing it said, "this is a REALLY nice black!" I agree. It's rich and it looks as fabulous as black paint can possibly look. I sent my room into that Apartment Therapy contest this afternoon, so we'll see if they decide I'm worthy of a post or any votes at all. I started feeling all mine-isn't-as-good-as-yours after submitting it and looking at everyone else's rooms, but then I had to remind myself that I have my own style, I should not try to be like everyone else. Junior in college high school lessons, re-learned haha. BE YOURSELF.


I'll post photos of the room after Apartment Therapy approves/denies my submission. Cause I didn't read the rules of the contest, but there's probably some rule that says they have first dibs on pictures. Who knows.

My Uncle died on Sunday morning. We weren't close and there's a lot of things about his life that I'm unclear on, but after so many years of not being well, I hope he's in a better place now.

And to you, if you read it, I know you think that I don't care, but that's not true and I'm glad we're doing a little bit better.

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Interior Design Wannabe: Chapter 04

I saw this today and instantly started planning on selling everything in my bedroom so that I can cut down on stuff. I don't have a lot of stuff; I LOATHE clutter, buttttttt I still have more than I need. Ideally I'd cut way back on little things in order to afford one or two bigger things. I struggle with the lack of natural light in my apartment, so maybe having very little in my room will help make it feel lighter and more breathable.

Image found here

This means my wishlist looks a little something like this:

1. Pebble side table

2. Benjamin Moore chalkboard paint

3. Faceted Ceramic Side Table

4. Fresh flowers to liven it up a bit. But they've gotta be the same; eclectic bouquets make me gag!

5. Black Stepladder (Except this one is stupid expensive. But I like the way it looks)

6. Mongolian Lamb pillow cover

Also what IS that bedding made of? Velvet? Fur? I don't think I'd want a velvet comforter. Looks great in the picture. Will NOT look great after one night of sleep with one black kitty and one white kitty *shudder*

I am mad at my fucking beige apartment walls. I need WHITE. White. Painting is so easy that I should stop bitching and get it over with, but I need to wait until it's a bit warmer in LA so my windows can stay open.  Does anyone wanna help me paint my entire apartment? I could do my bedroom myself, but the whole apartment is quite a task. I'll cook buy food and make drinks that are heavy on the bourbon and sing to you, and I might even stand on my coffee table and dance for you, if that's what you're into. But you have to be OK with Pop Lock and Drop it. And we have to actually paint and not just get drunk and distracted. And you can't paint like an idiot. Oh no...I have so many rules. No one's gonna wanna help me :( I'm sorry everyone. 

I was just telling a coworker about this yesterday. I had a hard time playing in kindergarten because I had rules. I just wanted the right furniture to go in the right rooms of the dollhouse, ya know? I'm a neurotic fucking freakshow HELLO

I was going to put this playlist up on Designers.MX because they're all songs that I've been working to lately, but then I realized that most of them are already on someone else's playlist, and HANNA AIN'T NO COPYCAT so I'll just keep them grounded here on my blog and share them with you. It's similar to Je Fleuris from this post, which 23 of you subscribed to, so if you're looking for more of that style, it's all yours. xo

01. Beast In Air, Beast In Water (Snowmine)
02. Useful Chamber (Dirty Projectors)
03. So Many Details (Toro Y Moi)
04. The Suburbs (Mr Little Jeans)
05. Kaleidoscope (Geographer)
06. Prelude - Lapalux's Finger On The Tap (Bonobos)
07. Sparkly (Young Magic)
08. Rose Quartz (Toro Y Moi)
09. The Big Idea (Black Books)
10. Superheroes (Esthero)

Listen and subscribe here.

PS the font I used for the playlist cover is called Questrial and is freeeee. Look at that Q, it's pretty!

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The free manicures, the guessing, the peonies

I know a ton of people hate on Lena Dunham (though I can't figure out why anyone wastes energy hating her when there are assholes like Bieber running around), but I personally think she is inspiring, and I really can't hate on a show that not only provides me with a free manicure but gives me a bottle of nail polish when I leave the salon. People love free shit. Thanks GIRLS! The season premiere was amazing, for anyone that hasn't seen it yet.

EDIT - I failed miserably and didn't explain the manicure, sorry to the ladies that inquired in the comments! Girls/HBO paid a handful of salons across NYC and LA to give everyone that walked in from 5pm-8pm a free manicure with one of the Deborah Lippmann nail polishes created specifically for the show. Here's a link with more of that info. We got to choose which color we wanted (I got Jessa's blood red color) and then we got to choose a set of decals (I choose the wood grain for Hannah) and a bottle of polish (I chose Hannah's green color). Tip was included and everything, it was fucking awesome.

Look at this room, you guys. I want it. Maybe with a smaller animal on top, but only because I'm concerned that spiders would get into that fur and drop down on me in the middle of the night. Also, is that peacock alive? I'd rather not have any live birds in my bedroom. 25 cats is enough. Just kidding!

(Kidding as in I don't have 25 cats, not as in 25 cats is not enough. Speaking of which, Cindy just sent me this link. Who's gonna buy me that?)

found here

Every now and then I go through a phase where I tell myself I WILL buy a keyboard and learn how to play the first 50 seconds of Muhammad My Friend by Tori Amos, and then I'll put it on whatever setting makes it sound like a Hammond B3 and play a bunch of blues after that (especially this exact version of Lovers Lost & Found that Grace Potter played wayyyyy back in 2005 that makes my jaw drop every time I hear it), and then I go to westelm.com and turn into an idiot that decides to buy throw pillows instead. I should really make that happen since I have a tax return conveniently coming my way in a few weeks.

It's not so much the keyboard that I'm after, it's the idea of playing music for someone. I think this time it started when I saw Les Mis...something about On My Own just sounds SO GREAT in my shower hahaha. It starts with a song in the shower and then I quickly find myself thinking, "what if I just did some open mic nights?" (which will never happen), and then it progresses to "I should see if any of my friends will start a band with me" (which will never happen). I'll just spend a few hundred bucks on a keyboard and keep singing in my shower lol LOOK AT ME GO

I feel free from a lot of shit that's been holding me down for a loooooong time. Saturday night I went out for a birthday party and ended up spending the entire night dancing with two guys I didn't know. We pretty much ignored the rest of the party. It's really nice to have nights like that - nights when I'm expecting to just leave a party early and walk a few blocks home but end up making a last minute decision to stay and tackle some crazy dancing to Return Of The Mack.

personal renaissance continues...

If you will excuse me, I'm going to go drink some juice and continue listening to Muddy Waters. I'm not sure how many of my readers like the blues, but if you do, I've got a running playlist here. If you DO like the blues, please send me tons of it on Spotify.

Ready and Willing

Thanksgiving was interesting. Nothing will ever top the day/evening BV and I had last year (speaking of that, Kevin Kinsella if you are reading this I really miss you!), but I DID have fun at the Riviera Country Club with Lily and some of her family. And I also particularly enjoyed the X-Files marathon with Cindy that night. It wasn't very holiday-ish, at least not in the way I'm used to, but I got to see people I love and that's worth everything.

I have very few friends that still celebrate Thanksgiving with their families. Is that weird? Maybe it's just because the majority of my friends are here in Los Angeles now and most of us are transplants. I used to celebrate it with my Dad's side of the family, and there was nothing wrong with that BUT it's kind of strange to sit in a room with people that know nothing about me just out of obligation. I don't really understand things like that.

What I AM thankful for is friends that scoop me up and welcome me into their traditions and their families and find secret places for me to pee when I've had too much whiskey at Seven Grand (Mike Cooper you wonderful man).

Speaking of Seven Grand, I rarely get the chance to go, but when I do I always leave wishing I lived next door. I wandered over to the jukebox at some point on Friday night, just hoping to put on some Led Zeppelin, and instead I found The Unheard Music by X and Tom Waits' Rain Dogs album. If there was ever a way to melt my heart...

Back to being thankful; there's so much to feel grateful for individually that I'll just sum it up by saying that I'm thankful for my life.

I'm obsessed with this photo and have decided that a clear coffee table is in my future:

(found here)

Finally, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to everyone who has been voting for me for December's blogger of the month on 20sb! Unless something crazy happens in the next few days, I think I might win it, and that's so exciting!

Interior Design Wannabe: Chapter 03

I think I've finally gotten to a level of satisfaction with my bedroom that will allow me to focus on decorating a different room (You remember how I've said this about 5 times before? Like a week ago? ThistimeIreallymeanit...). I ordered a silver area rug last week, so I'm trying to think of things that will flow well. I have an existing giant L-shaped mushroom-brown couch and a giant wooden coffee table to take into consideration, but other than that, there's not much there.

Here's an image I've been geeking out over for the past week. This is what caused the rug purchase:

(Found it here!)

So bright, so clean, so comfortable... my floors are a similar color, and I even have a fireplace in the corner (a dark, brick fireplace that stopped turning on, but a fireplace!), but my walls are beige and I have a horribly small amount of natural light. It always looks depressing in there, and I'm finding that I'm not very good at brightening it up. I've read that darker walls in dimly-lit rooms can surprisingly open up and brighten a space, which is nice because I've been considering one dark wall. I just wish that A: painting wasn't so expensive (and inconvenient with curious kitties) and B: my walls weren't entirely BEIGE. Beige is the freaking worst. I love white walls, I love soft neutral colors, but something about beige walls just makes me want to leave a room.

Here are some things I'm considering purchasing when I have the money (so, never). I'd like to keep everything white and airy so that I can switch out art/decorations for much cheaper when I change my mind, which will inevitably happen. Plus, I like mixing mid-century modern and classic styles:

1. West Elm Adjustable Metal Floor Lamp

2. Ikea Liatorp TV Stand

3. West Elm Origami Coffee Table (make no mistake, it's definitely more of a side table size)

4. Artilleriet Bombay Map
5. This Bruno Barbey print of Ubud, Bali, will forever be on my wishlist (the quote I got was $4,000...)
6. CB2 Sakana Pillow
7. CB2 Elevated Pillow
8.* A ton of paintings and photographs from Etsy and local artists that I'm just too lazy to list

Thoughts? Are you redecorating right now? A coworker and I keep trading ideas because he's really good with furniture and bigger pieces and I'm really good with interior styling and smaller pieces - we really should just start our own interior design boutique. But really, everyone's their own interior designer these days, right? Especially me ;)

EDIT: I think I may set up a regular apartmenttherapy-esque feature on here where I show other people's pretty homes/decorating. I'll be reaching out to bloggers and also asking around on 20sb.net for pretty interiors. If you think you've got a good setup, email me at excelsiorlady[at]gmail and I might feature your space!

Interior Design Wannabe: Chapter 02

My legs felt restless all day. All I could think about was leaving work and running - it's been a week since I did that and my muscles miss it. DID NOT HAPPEN DID NOT HAPPEN LALALA. I took a quick trip to Petco because GODDAMNIT I am a great kitty owner, and by the time I got back to my apartment it was blowing me all over the sidewalk. If it had blown any harder (it might be called your mom heyoooo!) I would have toppled over and everything in my bag would've rolled all over the street like I was in some sort of stupid movie. And that's exactly when my "soulmate" would show up and brush the lone windblown piece of hair out of my face. BV, WHERE ARE YOUUUUU I DID NOT SEE YOU...

You guys, every morning I wake up really excited to go to work. Can you say things like that about your life? I sincerely hope that you can. I teeter totter about it sometimes, but it seems like for the past couple months I've been so happy to get to work and see everyone. I have really amazing coworkers. Really, really amazing coworkers.

I painted a dream I had a while ago that I refuse to go into detail about because sometimes secrets are fun. The painting makes it look like I had a lesbian dream, but that's not what happened. I bet if I didn't clarify, that's what you'd assume. I'm also pissed off at Ikea because they seem to be sold out of everything that doesn't suck. I just want another white PS cabinet to line up with the one I already have so I have one long shelf for my TV and the turntable that I will eventually remember to buy and some other thangs... Since they didn't have it I consoled myself with a vase and some flowers. And I also picked up a carved antler on Etsy that I thought was ridiculously beautiful.

Behold!

Other new additions: a fox knob that I got at Anthropologie to make this Ikea Hemnes nightstand more interesting and less Ikea-y, the John Lennon Letters book I bought at JFK to make our flight home more enjoyable for my whiny stuck-in-the-middle-seat ass, and I fiiiinally framed the setlist that Grace Potter & the band signed for me the first time I ever saw them play live back in 2007 :)

I can't stop loving live Tom Waits. I'm not usually a live music person (unless I'm actually at a show experiencing it for myself) but he will always be an exception.

What the fuck did I just write? All over the place. Just like my brain lately, good lawwwd.

PS...I love you.

Mario Testino's (unfuckingbelievable) home

I first saw this in February but for some reason never blogged about it (probably because I was too busy drooling). If I could sum up my taste for interiors with one person's home...

All images via Vogue.

This is all extra relevant to me because I'm working on my living room now that I've got my bedroom to a point where I feel content with it. And the great thing about Testino's home is that it's actually pretty easy to pull from because a lot of this style can be found in places like Ikea and West Elm and thrift stores (and I do love me a good home bargain...the UCLA thrift store made my jaw drop and I can't wait to go back!). Needless to say I'm inspired.

I post a lot of interior photos on Pinterest, if your style is similar to mine and you want to join in on the inspiration!

Happy Saturday!