The door is always open

Once in a while I can feel a person's energy when I walk into a room. I feel them and I learn about them with considerable ease through split-second flashes that my brain gives me - pictures of the way they live or the way I might experience life with them. Blue and white stripes, a breeze on a balcony overlooking red and brown rooftops, pajama pants, a drink in my right hand, and music playing while he works. The feeling is so real that sometimes I question whether there are two separate halves of me: one half venturing off to experience that moment while the other sits calmly, waiting for the report.

I'm in the strangest state of mind. I fall in love so deeply and so effortlessly and so fleetingly. I'm in love with 2 or 3 people at a time because I can't help it. I fall in love with places, times, words. I feel everything at once and then it's gone. Infatuation looks good on me.

I have trouble looking at love as an everlasting state of union although I suppose it's everlasting in that I still feel warmth and gratitude from it after it's gone. It's not that I don't believe in being with someone forever, but I tend to see love as a set of individual moments in time where I experience pure bliss. These moments are selfless and sweet, and they're all I think about.

(the photos above are from arrestedmotion.com)

I left Gary Baseman's show at the Skirball last night feeling so thankful and inspired that today I actually feel lightweight, like a block of worry has been released from my head. In order to translate the intense love that I sometimes feel, I absolutely must let go of anything holding me back. I will be thankful to Baseman forever for helping me see that.

If people don't like what I do, I won't let myself give them another thought. I've made a promise to myself to finally communicate all the love that I have to give, and it's honestly the most important thing I've ever done. If I've gotten this far in my life with all my worries and judgement, I cannot wait to see where I go now that I'm free from it.

--

If you like what you see, consider following me on Twitter and Instagram or liking Excelsior Lady on Facebook!

The mistakes that I've made

I fucked up. Really bad.

I pushed someone that I love very far away. I was inconsiderate. I was hurtful. It wasn't all me, but a lot of the bottom-line issues were my own.

I don't know why I have such a hard time identifying with people. I just don't get it. I notice myself having a big, open heart for inanimate objects and animals and fictional fucking characters, but when it comes to returning love to the people that love me, I always struggle. I take love for granted and I treat people like they're disposable, even though I don't mean to do it.

I told BV on Thursday night (the first time that we've seen each other in months, because I'm an asshole that went on a 2 month long bender and ignored the breakup almost entirely) that I'm not wired to give out love as easily as he is. I wish that I was, but I just wasn't born that way. I'm envious of his ability to love other people so openly. All he ever wanted from me was for me to be able to match the amount of care that he showed me, and I was rarely able to. He cares more than the average person, and I care less. Those qualities don't mesh well. And now he's leaving on a month long road trip and then moving away shortly after he gets back, and I've spent my weekend feeling terrified of the day that he leaves. The second he walked into my apartment on Thursday I started to miss him.

I'm not with this person anymore. We gave it 3 years before the differences between us just became too large, looming over our heads. It made sense to end the relationship. It still makes sense that we ended the relationship. There is a difference between missing someone and wanting to be with someone (thanks Ian), and I know I just miss him. But have you ever loved another person so much that you're never really sure WHAT the fuck you feel?

I had a conversation with a coworker a while ago - he hung up the phone after a quick conversation with his girlfriend and said, "That girl loves me so much." I said, "I know that feeling. I ran screaming from that feeling." He said, "That'll change. When you get older you get tired of running." And in my head, a little red light turned on and I thought YIKES. Am I just doing this/feeling this/being like this because I (wrongly) think that I have all the time in the world? Am I going to reach a point where I'm just tired of running and would really appreciate someone loving me so much that it's too much? Because...when THAT day comes, I'm going to feel even worse than I feel today. Shit.

This is why I'm so hard on myself when I mess up even the smallest things, and it's also why I'm hesitant to put myself in new situations where I know I might mess something up or appear less than perfect. Because the way I feel when I do is the loneliest, saddest feeling. I am such a dick sometimes that I really deserve to feel bad, so I scold myself if no one else does it first. I know that no one cares about my life as much as I do, and very few people pay attention to my fuckups, but let me assure you: I remember themm aalllllll.

It's scary becoming close to someone. It is the scariest thing I've ever felt. I'd like to think of myself as an open book, but I'm really only sharing the best parts with the rest of the world. The bad stuff never sees the light of day. It's impossible to hide those things when we're truly close to someone, and trying to never mess up is just exhausting. I am exhausted.

The black, the non-black, the CONTEST

Hey everyone, ya know what's super cool about being a graphic designer that has so much inspiration shooting out of every hole that I just can't make up my mind about how I want anything to look, ever? I just end up with a closet full of black and a lot of white/black/gray designs. And a bedroom with a black wall*. Because it's easy. Because black goes with everything. Except that once you only have black, you don't have anything to pair with it except more black. And it's spring and it's almost April for Pete's sake and I'd really like to find some bright colors and patterns and textures to go with my black soul.

*Here's a peek at said wall (some color/greenery will be added to that area shortly, cause it needs it! I will NEVER get sick of the wall color though, it's perfect!) Apartment Therapy still has neither confirmed nor denied my acceptance into their bedroom thing, and I'm getting antsy because submissions ended on the 20th. It's fine either way, cause now I want to redo everything again already. CAUSE THIS IS WHAT I DO WITH MY WEEKENDS WHEN I DON'T GO OUT DRINKING.

Other than the beeeeige (when I type it like that I hear Ben Stein saying it in a very bored way, like this), it's not bad, yeah? I'd like to toss that dresser and lamp and get something nicer, but sometimes there just aren't enough funds to toss perfectly functional things, friends.

I've put together a little list of springy things. I should think about buying a couple of them. Starting with that scarf, because it's under $10.

Found: 01 / 02 / 03 / 04 / 05 / 06

LASTLY. I posted about this on my Facebook and also on 20sb in the forums, but I know I'll get the most feedback on it by going through this site so apologies if you've already read it twice now. I want to have a contest where people email me screenshots of their current blog that needs design help. I'll put them on my blog's facebook page in an album, everyone votes (friends can like the page and join in) and the winner gets a free redesign. Interested? If I can get at least 30 people that want in (which is a lot, but I gotta make sure that I'm guaranteed a decent amount of new Facebook fans/readers so the entire thing is worth the time it would take me to design a site for free on top of my standard workload, ya know?), I'll do it for sure.

Thoughts? Anyone interested?

That's all, I'm done with you. DONE WITH YOU. Go watch this video, it made me cry laughing.

--

If you like what you see, consider following me on Twitter and Instagram or liking Excelsior Lady on Facebook!

The attraction

Pulp Fiction dance scene image from here

My knees have been weak.

They've been weak so many times. I've spent hours, days, months, years feeling as though I might lift right off the ground from the momentum that my heart creates. When it's not due to a person plucking just the right strings inside my head, it comes from something else. A great song, the month of May, Avery Maharaja, etc. I am never bored with my own self. I'll never need someone else to entertain me or keep me company or make me feel needed. For that, I am thankful; however, feeling as though I've been set on fire from human interaction is a different type of entertainment.

My whole life, I've only been interested in fascination. If it doesn't consume me, I don't want it. If I'll only be average at it, I won't do it. If I can't love it with my entire being, I won't love it. My standards for living and loving are sky high. I am a difficult person to get to know only only only when the wrong person tries to get to know me. Chemistry and passion in all things are so sought after in my life that sometimes I forget to keep my feet planted on the ground when I find them, even though I run around flailing my arms, ranting about how "realism is way smarter than optimism" and blahhh blah.

Because.

Because I create trouble for myself; I am really, really good at creating trouble for myself. I do it for my own entertainment because I know how it will end. I create trouble for myself and I become electrified. Every nerve, every hair, every blink, every thought.

I've got all the time in the world, really.

What else do any of us have? We only exist in this form for a minute. I prefer to spend my single minute feeling like I could float right up out of my chair, through this doorway and up into zero gravity, where I will sail freely with the thought of this human electricity always on my mind. If that means creating it rather than stumbling upon it, then that is precisely what will happen. I've learned so much about when to push and when to stand still.

When it works, when the electricity isn't just me playing games and I actually find myself in the rare situation where I simply cannot get close enough, literally or figuratively, I find something. I never know what the something is, but that's the moment that I find it.

I found it. And, of course, I have no idea what it is. Don't care.

--

 If you like what you see, consider following me on Twitter and Instagram or liking Excelsior Lady on Facebook!

The pure bliss, the camera, the delightful coming-of-age story

I planned on putting a Valentine's Day post together with edited photos with illustrations and blahhh blah, and it would have been great except for the fact that if I did that, I would've exploded internally and smoke would've started billowing from my eye sockets. So instead, I got pasta and took a long break. Sans my editing/illustration, this is the only photo that was Valentines-y:

It is the most wonderfully infuriating feeling to know that I might get what I want if I can just be patient. I, of course, am the least patient person in the world, so this is convenient.

At some point this weekend I found myself somewhere new, complete with a wobbly trumpet serenade of the bridge of Dance Of The Reed Flutes from The Nutcracker. It was such a beautiful day that I collected my thangs, found a park near my apartment, and hung out on a little bridge with some ducks while I read and wrote and took photos. Sometimes the breeze just feels so good on my skin, ya know? The only reason I moved is because eventually some annoying family appeared with their small child and wanted to take 150 pictures on the bridge, which meant that someone had to make little squealing noises at the kid to make it smile before each photo could be taken, and I could feel a giant ragestorm brewing in my brain. So I put on Crazy On You by Heart and headed home.

Speaking of Heart, I was listening to them on my way to Mike's apartment on Saturday (rekindled my love affair with them recently) when a homeless man approached me and said, "I can hear yo music, I can hear yo music" and when I laughed, he asked me what I was listening to. I replied with "Heart" and he said, "HEART?!" with a look of ABSOLUTE disgust. YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU GUYS

Sunday afternoon, while recapping an even-stranger-than-usual night/morning, Cindy and I decided that we might have a slightly odd friendship (only due to the things that we're fine with, which sounds weird but it's the only way I can safely explain it), but seriously, WHAT did I do before she came along? It's pretty important to be able to do strange shit together and not have to worry that one of us is going to end up offended or crying in a chair in the corner of the room (bahahahaaaaaa). More than anything, I think I've really needed someone that can keep up with me/someone that will let me keep up with them without making me feel pressured to do so.

I bought a Canon t3i becaaauuuuse why not? I have a blog and there should be photos on this blog that aren't lousy. There's only so much Photoshop can do with iPhone photos. I have a lot to learn but I'm getting the hang of it. My photography tutor won't let me put anything on Auto (hate that shit anyway, if I'm gonna pay 700 dollars for a camera I had better know it inside and out) so there's a lot of trial and error happening in my life right now.

And I'm not just talking about the camera.

-- If you like what you see, consider following me on Twitter and Instagram or liking Excelsior Lady on Facebook!

The bar, the car, the street

I'm already over the starting-a-band thing from my last post. I've also stopped singing Les Mis in the shower and have moved onto The Supremes, which is always a hit with the cats, hahaha

Thank you so much to whoever nominated me for Best Female Overall in the 20sb bootlegs. I'm in very good company and I can't wait to see which one of us ends up winning that one! Good luck to all - the poll is here for any 20sb members that haven't voted yet! I believe voting ends on the 23rd.

WHAT'S GOING ON, IS IT SOME SORT OF SOLSTICE? This long weekend has been so great. The planets must be aligned in some ideal way. I napped on the beach for a few hours yesterday, after recapping the FUNNEST night. I'm also learning that it doesn't matter if I have one drink or 10 drinks: I will feel like shit for the entirety of the following day. Who gets a hangover without getting drunk? I do, of course. Remember when I was a sophomore in college and used to go shot-for-shot with Bacardi 151 with my guy friends and wake up with no hangover? I'm just being punished now for being an idiot 7 years ago. Oh my god, that was 7 years ago. 

Cindy and I attempted to enjoy Bacon Social Saturday night, but the art sucked and the music sucked and the crowd sucked. The BLT and the comfy couch across from a TV that was showing Charlotte's Web were the only things that I enjoyed. How do you fuck up a Bacon Social? I feel angry about it. It was an art show...with bacon. I could've created something really incredible with those two things. All I know is that the band we saw was so bad that the room actually cleared. How do I create my own art show? It sounds like something I'd be REALLY good at putting together. I have enough artist/designer/photographer friends, I should just start planning. 

I am 2 different people, all the time. Hanna on your left shoulder does nice things for other people and accepts everyone, and she teaches you how to see all of the beauty in the world. She goes to bed at 11 and eats greek yogurt (and works out, but not as often as she should because Daylight Savings Time fucked up her favorite running path). Hanna on your right shoulder falls into bed after 5am and does questionable things that she rarely feels remorse for. The only thing that seems to decide which Hanna appears is the shoulder of the person I'm hanging out on. I'm usually only comfortable in strange situations; "normal" is so boring that it makes me itch. I thrive in environments that allow me to be inappropriate and interesting. I doubt I'll ever be able to change that, and that's just fine.

I'm making it sound like I don't understand myself, but that's not it; it's just weird that whatever I write speaks to two entirely different groups of people: those who see me act like an asshole and those who think I'm a mouse.

I had a laugh with my Mom today when I told her about some of the things I've been doing lately and she mentioned that she did the same exact shit when she was my age. I'm willing to bet some of my actions align with my Dad too, even though we haven't discussed it haha.

I am in soooo much trouble.

The free manicures, the guessing, the peonies

I know a ton of people hate on Lena Dunham (though I can't figure out why anyone wastes energy hating her when there are assholes like Bieber running around), but I personally think she is inspiring, and I really can't hate on a show that not only provides me with a free manicure but gives me a bottle of nail polish when I leave the salon. People love free shit. Thanks GIRLS! The season premiere was amazing, for anyone that hasn't seen it yet.

EDIT - I failed miserably and didn't explain the manicure, sorry to the ladies that inquired in the comments! Girls/HBO paid a handful of salons across NYC and LA to give everyone that walked in from 5pm-8pm a free manicure with one of the Deborah Lippmann nail polishes created specifically for the show. Here's a link with more of that info. We got to choose which color we wanted (I got Jessa's blood red color) and then we got to choose a set of decals (I choose the wood grain for Hannah) and a bottle of polish (I chose Hannah's green color). Tip was included and everything, it was fucking awesome.

Look at this room, you guys. I want it. Maybe with a smaller animal on top, but only because I'm concerned that spiders would get into that fur and drop down on me in the middle of the night. Also, is that peacock alive? I'd rather not have any live birds in my bedroom. 25 cats is enough. Just kidding!

(Kidding as in I don't have 25 cats, not as in 25 cats is not enough. Speaking of which, Cindy just sent me this link. Who's gonna buy me that?)

found here

Every now and then I go through a phase where I tell myself I WILL buy a keyboard and learn how to play the first 50 seconds of Muhammad My Friend by Tori Amos, and then I'll put it on whatever setting makes it sound like a Hammond B3 and play a bunch of blues after that (especially this exact version of Lovers Lost & Found that Grace Potter played wayyyyy back in 2005 that makes my jaw drop every time I hear it), and then I go to westelm.com and turn into an idiot that decides to buy throw pillows instead. I should really make that happen since I have a tax return conveniently coming my way in a few weeks.

It's not so much the keyboard that I'm after, it's the idea of playing music for someone. I think this time it started when I saw Les Mis...something about On My Own just sounds SO GREAT in my shower hahaha. It starts with a song in the shower and then I quickly find myself thinking, "what if I just did some open mic nights?" (which will never happen), and then it progresses to "I should see if any of my friends will start a band with me" (which will never happen). I'll just spend a few hundred bucks on a keyboard and keep singing in my shower lol LOOK AT ME GO

I feel free from a lot of shit that's been holding me down for a loooooong time. Saturday night I went out for a birthday party and ended up spending the entire night dancing with two guys I didn't know. We pretty much ignored the rest of the party. It's really nice to have nights like that - nights when I'm expecting to just leave a party early and walk a few blocks home but end up making a last minute decision to stay and tackle some crazy dancing to Return Of The Mack.

personal renaissance continues...

If you will excuse me, I'm going to go drink some juice and continue listening to Muddy Waters. I'm not sure how many of my readers like the blues, but if you do, I've got a running playlist here. If you DO like the blues, please send me tons of it on Spotify.

Interior Design Wannabe: Chapter 03

I think I've finally gotten to a level of satisfaction with my bedroom that will allow me to focus on decorating a different room (You remember how I've said this about 5 times before? Like a week ago? ThistimeIreallymeanit...). I ordered a silver area rug last week, so I'm trying to think of things that will flow well. I have an existing giant L-shaped mushroom-brown couch and a giant wooden coffee table to take into consideration, but other than that, there's not much there.

Here's an image I've been geeking out over for the past week. This is what caused the rug purchase:

(Found it here!)

So bright, so clean, so comfortable... my floors are a similar color, and I even have a fireplace in the corner (a dark, brick fireplace that stopped turning on, but a fireplace!), but my walls are beige and I have a horribly small amount of natural light. It always looks depressing in there, and I'm finding that I'm not very good at brightening it up. I've read that darker walls in dimly-lit rooms can surprisingly open up and brighten a space, which is nice because I've been considering one dark wall. I just wish that A: painting wasn't so expensive (and inconvenient with curious kitties) and B: my walls weren't entirely BEIGE. Beige is the freaking worst. I love white walls, I love soft neutral colors, but something about beige walls just makes me want to leave a room.

Here are some things I'm considering purchasing when I have the money (so, never). I'd like to keep everything white and airy so that I can switch out art/decorations for much cheaper when I change my mind, which will inevitably happen. Plus, I like mixing mid-century modern and classic styles:

1. West Elm Adjustable Metal Floor Lamp

2. Ikea Liatorp TV Stand

3. West Elm Origami Coffee Table (make no mistake, it's definitely more of a side table size)

4. Artilleriet Bombay Map
5. This Bruno Barbey print of Ubud, Bali, will forever be on my wishlist (the quote I got was $4,000...)
6. CB2 Sakana Pillow
7. CB2 Elevated Pillow
8.* A ton of paintings and photographs from Etsy and local artists that I'm just too lazy to list

Thoughts? Are you redecorating right now? A coworker and I keep trading ideas because he's really good with furniture and bigger pieces and I'm really good with interior styling and smaller pieces - we really should just start our own interior design boutique. But really, everyone's their own interior designer these days, right? Especially me ;)

EDIT: I think I may set up a regular apartmenttherapy-esque feature on here where I show other people's pretty homes/decorating. I'll be reaching out to bloggers and also asking around on 20sb.net for pretty interiors. If you think you've got a good setup, email me at excelsiorlady[at]gmail and I might feature your space!

Another human interest story

I love this Niagara Detroit giclee.

The music I listen to is different lately. I never got into punk and I always hated The Pretenders (maybe I just hated I'll Stand By You? The chord progressions in that song make me GAG), but I suddenly started listening to them and fell in love with this song, among others. I started listening to Butthole Surfers and a song called Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues by Fight Like Apes. I started listening the The Velvet Underground and Patti Smith and more Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds and I feel really grateful for music that isn't constantly about love and sunshine and rainbows because it's so much more interesting. Melodies are more complex, chords are more dissonant. I love that kinda stuff even when it has nothing to do with my mindset. I want to be impressed and wonder how they thought of such complex stuff in a song.

The concept of always being decently happy is fucking weird, you guys. Why shouldn't we want to feel everything that there is to feel? I might get pissed off or annoyed or sad, and I might be pretty hard to deal with when I am feeling those things, but let me be very clear: when I am happy I am GLOWING from it because I genuinely appreciate it. I am noticing the tiniest things and seeing everything with rose colored glasses and smiling to myself on the bus and feeling so much love while I watch a homeless man and an elderly man talk about philosophy and marbles and guitars (all in one conversation!) and I feel weightless. If you can feel that same sense of euphoria all the time, more power to you. I'm sincerely jealous. Buuuuut when I think about the people that are "happy all the time" as they put it, they usually just seem boring and desensitized, and I don't believe them. Boring isn't happy. Boring is boring.

I will always want to be fascinated, no matter how emotional I have to get and how hard I have to work to experience it.

I think I've finally met my quarter-life crisis? Haha except within me it has become something resembling a personal renaissance. Feels just fine, I must say.

Oooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, give me your opinions because I'm sure everyone has some.

Interior Design Wannabe: Chapter 02

My legs felt restless all day. All I could think about was leaving work and running - it's been a week since I did that and my muscles miss it. DID NOT HAPPEN DID NOT HAPPEN LALALA. I took a quick trip to Petco because GODDAMNIT I am a great kitty owner, and by the time I got back to my apartment it was blowing me all over the sidewalk. If it had blown any harder (it might be called your mom heyoooo!) I would have toppled over and everything in my bag would've rolled all over the street like I was in some sort of stupid movie. And that's exactly when my "soulmate" would show up and brush the lone windblown piece of hair out of my face. BV, WHERE ARE YOUUUUU I DID NOT SEE YOU...

You guys, every morning I wake up really excited to go to work. Can you say things like that about your life? I sincerely hope that you can. I teeter totter about it sometimes, but it seems like for the past couple months I've been so happy to get to work and see everyone. I have really amazing coworkers. Really, really amazing coworkers.

I painted a dream I had a while ago that I refuse to go into detail about because sometimes secrets are fun. The painting makes it look like I had a lesbian dream, but that's not what happened. I bet if I didn't clarify, that's what you'd assume. I'm also pissed off at Ikea because they seem to be sold out of everything that doesn't suck. I just want another white PS cabinet to line up with the one I already have so I have one long shelf for my TV and the turntable that I will eventually remember to buy and some other thangs... Since they didn't have it I consoled myself with a vase and some flowers. And I also picked up a carved antler on Etsy that I thought was ridiculously beautiful.

Behold!

Other new additions: a fox knob that I got at Anthropologie to make this Ikea Hemnes nightstand more interesting and less Ikea-y, the John Lennon Letters book I bought at JFK to make our flight home more enjoyable for my whiny stuck-in-the-middle-seat ass, and I fiiiinally framed the setlist that Grace Potter & the band signed for me the first time I ever saw them play live back in 2007 :)

I can't stop loving live Tom Waits. I'm not usually a live music person (unless I'm actually at a show experiencing it for myself) but he will always be an exception.

What the fuck did I just write? All over the place. Just like my brain lately, good lawwwd.

PS...I love you.

I will simply never be satisfied

Apparently all it takes to make me feel like I'm not doing enough with my life is a 2-hour chat session with Lena Dunham. The show was sold out when Mike told me about it; I had totally ruled out the option of going. SAVED by the ticket fairies - 4 of us were able to go! It was at the Largo here in LA, which is a venue that I now love on the same level as the Troubadour for its intimacy. She talked with Jeff Garlin from Curb Your Enthusiasm about life and work and the silliness of "Hollywood" and she was fucking awesome.

She's 26 years old and she was nominated for 4 Emmys. She writes, directs, and acts in Girls. She is literally a bottomless pool of creativity and that inspires me to do more. Maybe I'll write a script? Not  to "make it" in LA (lol) but just to prove to myself that I can do anything. I love writing and I certainly have a lot of inspiration on a daily basis. Even if no one reads it but me, I think I'd be happy to have it.

Part of the reason I loved last night was because the entire 2 hours were so truly intimate. I told Mike on the way home that it was like everyone already knew about her life so she didn't need to catch everyone up on the stupid small talk-type of details; instead it was like a conversation one might have with close friends: rambling and full of goofiness and comfortable opinions. I'm not sure who else Jeff Garlin is going to chat with for this occasional series he does, but I definitely plan on going back.

When we caught up with Lena after the show, she was just the sweetest, friendliest girl - it was a good night and it's always amazing to meet one of your heroes. And when she took this photo with us, she told us we got the added bonus of Ray from Girls in the background (added bonus indeeeed!)

I leave you with one song that I've listened to about 30 times in a row in the past 8 hours. They played it during the closing credits of Girls, but that has nothing to do with why I love it. It's just one of those perfect songs that makes you walk faster when you listen :D

Mazel Tov, Bitches

It has been the most enjoyable long weekend so far, yes it has.

If you know me, you know how quickly I become overwhelmed by people. After all of you amazing people showed up for my birthday party and I had so much to do the following week, I ended up feeling a little frantic, so I spent my birthday alone until dinner - it felt so good to walk around Santa Monica by myself and catch up with my own thoughts. Chaos be gone! Since then I've felt wonderful. BV and I wandered around Ikea yesterday being grumpy and buying lamps and making each other laugh, he built a fort for the cats out of Ikea boxes LOL, and I have a thousand people to thank for being so sweet on my birthday.

Mike and Jemal put their minds together to get me this print as a gift - remember it from this post?! I'm going to hang it after I post this, and I know it's going to look amazing. Font nerd!!

I forgot to mention the strange wrestling match that Cindy and I attended last weekend (while I was so hungover I could barely move, might I add). There was a death metal band, someone got lit on fire, and they had a fog machine. We will obviously be going back next time. And we will probably be donning lucha libre masks. I should also mention that we went there directly from Ian's semi-classy birthday lunch at The Churchill. Total opposites. I freaking love LA.

I was in Urban Outfitters on my birthday and heard this: Washed Out remix of My Morning Jacket's "Outta My System" ...it was love at first listen. I love everything MMJ and Washed Out do, so pairing them is like heaven.



One last thing: this cracks me up. It's a heat map displaying where/when people are tweeting the phrase "fuck you." Of course it's flaming red over LA.

Ego Maniac

[all images via Martha Rich]

I love the colors.

I caved. Tomorrow I'm going to the Apple store to pick up a 27" iMac. It's a lot of money but I know I'm at a point in my career where it's becoming necessary. And you know what I'm thinking -- maybe my inspiration for blogging always pops up at work because everything looks so great on that monitor... hopefully that's true so I can start being inspired ALL the time.

Someone posted this link on Twitter earlier today and it's actually really interesting. Since I'm currently in the only real long-term relationship I've ever been in, it's helpful and reassuring to know all that stuff, since I obviously have no experience in this area :P

I could stand for LA to lose about 10 degrees of heat. I love my summer breezes and cool shade, and I do NOT love insta-sweat as soon as I step out the door. It seems like it's been 85+ every day for the last 6 years, doesn't it? This is why I'll never be able to move east of the 405. I NEED the marine buffer. Pale-ass people like me can't handle that isshhhhh

I leave you with Elaine Benes. Because I feel like doing this every time I wish someone would leave my apartment/my office/anywhere a little bit quicker.

Strange social expectancies and Lonesome Dreams

Before I get into anything deep here, I'm gonna admit that it makes me really excited that Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are plastered all over entertainment news outlets. Like REALLY HAPPY. Not because I care about the two of them dating in real life (I care really deeply actually, shut up), but because maaayyybbbe 20th Century Fox will see all this renewed interest and give a green light to a third and final movie. Maybe? I would die happy. In the meantime, I'll smile at the fact that it's been 10 years since the show ended and there are still articles like this and this being posted. Oh, and this. And this. Is Hanna a nerd? Yesssss she sure iiiiisssss :D

(via)

Yesterday on my commute home, a little man sat down across from me on the bus and kept staring at the book I was reading about Area 51. It's not a book about aliens, it's a book about the CIA and the military and nuclear testing, etc. It's really interesting. The man eventually waved at me to remove my headphones, and our conversation went a little something like this:

Man: "Why are you reading that?" (He looked HORRIFIED. Absolutely scared for his life. It was so strange)
Me: "Why?? ...Why not?"
Man: "Why would you want to read that? Aliens?"
Me: "It has nothing to do with aliens, it's about the CIA and the military."
Man: "Oh my god. I didn't know girls read books like that."

!!!!!! Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I leave you with Lord Huron. They're a band located here in LA that I fell in love with a year or two ago. As it turns out, my friend/coworker has known them for years so I've been pretty up-to-date with the new stuff they're pushing out. Everything they do sounds like magic, and this new video is beautiful.

PS Go become a fan of EL on Facebook!

blue-vine batwing cannibal

Shit. It seems like once a year (or maybe once a week UGH) I find myself in this phase where I seem to enjoy saying too much and pissing everyone off. I'm pretty much the worst. I actually REALLY enjoy saying too much. I enjoy being the only one in the room that has the balls to say what other people are just thinking. Usually I don't overdo it and people respect it, until I get ahead of myself and end up saying something stupid or saying too much in the wrong space. Then I'm just a feeling-hurter. And that, my friends, is exactly what I've become this week. So I'm sorry, to you, because you matter so very very very much to me.

(zabriskie point - found here)

I went to Santa Barbara for the first time on Sunday with Lily and Cindy. While we were there we met up with Lily's friend Mia, shopped, wandered around the Mission, and relaxed on the pier. State street is covered with color from people breaking confetti-filled eggs over each others' heads (I fully support this tradition). I spent way too much money but it was a great day with 2 of my favorite people in the world.

Each day while I'm at work, so many great ideas pop into my head and I think, "I'll blog about that when I get home tonight!" And I feel so excited and happy! So motivated! So confident in my subject matter and imagery! And then I get home, open my laptop, look at my open drafts and feel disgusted with them all. It feels forced at night. I'd so much rather be able to post during the day when I get the urge. Sometimes, when I can remember, I put one up on my lunch break and those always seem to be the posts that get the most traffic. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO, YOU GUYS.

(via)

Today is David Duchovny's birthday? Yes, yes it is. I don't see him here in my bed, so he must not have had that great of a day. That's all I'm gonna say.

To anyone in LA that I may have missed with the Facebook invite: I'm having a week-early birthday party on the 25th. Ask me for details :)

Oh Hamburgers

I wanted to take a second before writing anything else to send out a huge internet hug to all of you. I received a few emails and a few Facebook messages about my last post. Some were only a sentence long and some were several paragraphs; all of them said very important things. This is exactly why I felt comfortable writing about it in such a public space. Thank you all so very very much for your understanding, concern, and respect.

Onward (and breeeeathe out)!

South Park's Facebook page posted a photo of Butters this morning with the caption "Oh I can't fellas, I'm grounded for looking stupid in my school picture," which made my heart happy.

via

My childhood was a lot like Butters' (except for I never followed my dad to a bath house to discover him having sex with other men and I never took a ninja star to the eye). I was always getting grounded and getting things taken away from me for silly reasons.

Can I tell you my plan? This blog needs to get bigger. Step one is to get about a thousand more readers per post (HA!). I'm in the process of turning this blog into a brand, which means more posts about design and other things I like in addition to the posts about my life. I will never stop writing about the way I feel, but I'd like to give all sorts of people a reason to come back. For some people that's music, for some it's a journal, and for some it's visual. The survey from last week was really helpful in telling me what so many of you beautiful people want to see.

Step two is to consolidate all of these loose ends I have floating around the internet. In a few weeks (orrrrr maybe a couple months), hannascott.com will be really pretty with an easy way to get to my portfolio and this blog, depending on what you're there for. Which means my portfolio also has to be redone, because it's outdated! On top of the other freelance projects I have going on, and also, of course, on top of my full time job. So if you were wondering why I'm overwhelmed...

I added a mood board to the site. You can see it in my navigation at the top of the page. It's full of things I find beautiful, things that I keep in mind when I design and things that inspire me when it comes to this blog. And I haven't used tumblr in a hot minute so if you're on there, give a girl a follow?

I'm trying to move a bunch of my Facebook friends over to the page for my blog so that I don't always have to post links twice and can focus more on building a brand over there. So if you're friends with me and you read this site, do me a favor and go like the page. You CAN find it in my sidebar but because I know you won't look unless it's right in front of your face lol: here.

Anyway. The final step of this plan is to be my own boss. I'm very far from that point right now but I know how motivated I am once I have my mind made up: it WILL happen. So until then, I'll learn more at my job every day, I'll make every effort to make this blog and my portfolio grow, and then I'll take off running and work from anywhere I damn well please (and it will probably be in another country), on projects that don't make me cringe. I cannot wait until that day :)

There are sooo many parentheses in this post.

Loretta

I rarely attach myself to causes, but this sweet little kitty face is just too much for me to handle. My project manager at work announced that she needed a home this morning and sent me a link, and her story just pulled on my heartstrings in a serious way. I decided to adopt her if no one else has beat me to it yet (waiting to hear back), but $1900 of her $2500 campaign hasn't been raised yet (and I simply cannot afford to take that on myself). If you're reading this and can help, it would mean the world to me and will NOT go unnoticed! Here is a link to her little ChipIn campaign and her story.

http://nelia.chipin.com/loretta

Turns out, the consensus is that 3 cats is the limit for "normalcy" and anything over that is Cat Lady status. I have Bella, my roommate has a cat (but I won't be living here forever, obviously) so I'm golden ;)

Mars

(that's where my head is, in case you were wondering)

Here is a list of things that I need to do:
- Save about $2,000 so I can move into a one bedroom apartment here in LA at some point late this year or next year without having to freak out about paying for security deposits and setup fees and an undoubtedly higher rent
- Take Bella to the vet to make sure that piece of ribbon she ate a while ago (of course it had to be the kind with wire in the edges) isn't wrapped around her intestines or something
- Find a flight to Buffalo for my birthday that's less than $500. PS: my birthday falls on Labor Day weekend, sooooooooooooooooo...
- New glasses

Everything I need to do costs hundreds of dollars.

I could freelance...and I am freelancing, but I've taken on a ridiculous amount of free projects. So much so, in fact, that I don't have any time to handle more than the single paid project I have going on right now. So I guess that's out. This means I will have to resort to my "backup plan" (aka my dream come true) and track down David Duchovny so we can elope somewhere and he can then pay for my moving expenses. I hope he doesn't expect me to move in with him after we get married. I am so UNINTERESTED in that idea.

All I know for certain after this weekend is that my friends are worth their weight in gold, and Tom Waits is a lyrical genius.

I’m the hat on the bed
I’m the coffee instead
The fish or cut bait
I’m the detective up late
I’m the blood on the floor
The thunder and the roar
The boat that won’t sink
I just won’t sleep a wink
You’re the same kind of bad as me