The butter wash, the Salvation Mountain, the bananas

In the past month I've found things that make it all better. I'm not talking about making bad situations better (though that's true), I'm talking about life. Things that make my life feel like it is really worth something. Do you understand how huge that is? Coming from someone who never doubted it, but always questioned the timing and placement of events...I feel so...sublimely understood.

Leonard Knight constructed and painted this mountain in the desert as a tribute to his faith. I am not a religious person, but I think the dedication to what he loved is breathtaking. If you love something so much that it steers your entire life in a positive direction, what's wrong with that? Not a damn thing.

There aren't many people that I look up to creatively. There's one high school teacher, one actress, one artist, and a few musicians. That's it. I don't relate to people, I only seem to relate to ideas. Which is fine - I think it's healthy to be that way, actually - but I sometimes feel like I'm flailing because I don't know where I'm going. I have no frame of reference.

I'm just overthinking. I know that if I just relax and go wherever my life takes me, things work out really well. It's only when I become...aware haha... that things start to spiral out of control. Not a bad problem to have, right?

I wonder where I would be had I placed my focus on art from the beginning instead of music. Probably right here. I'm supposed to be right here. I just would have walked here instead of flying :)

I have a lot to say (finally!) butttt I'm going to shut up and post these pictures instead. We went to Salvation Mountain and wandered around in 100 degree heat and then stumbled upon the International Museum of Bananas on our way back home, lol. There are also pictures from Salton Sea, but those will be in a future post because I'm gonna do something special with them! BEHOLD:

A surreal weekend as a whole. Sunday Cindy and I went to the Egyptian Theatre to see that X-Files event that I talked about in my last post. I sat...in the same room...as Chris Carter...and watched 2 episodes on a big screen. The girl in front of me had Mulder & Scully barbie dolls. I felt very at home.

You should also go look at Cindy's post about all this, because she captured a lot of things that I did not!

WHAT'S NEXT, LIFE?

Photo Locations: Salvation Mountain (Niland, CA), International Banana Museum (Mecca, CA) 

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The door is always open

Once in a while I can feel a person's energy when I walk into a room. I feel them and I learn about them with considerable ease through split-second flashes that my brain gives me - pictures of the way they live or the way I might experience life with them. Blue and white stripes, a breeze on a balcony overlooking red and brown rooftops, pajama pants, a drink in my right hand, and music playing while he works. The feeling is so real that sometimes I question whether there are two separate halves of me: one half venturing off to experience that moment while the other sits calmly, waiting for the report.

I'm in the strangest state of mind. I fall in love so deeply and so effortlessly and so fleetingly. I'm in love with 2 or 3 people at a time because I can't help it. I fall in love with places, times, words. I feel everything at once and then it's gone. Infatuation looks good on me.

I have trouble looking at love as an everlasting state of union although I suppose it's everlasting in that I still feel warmth and gratitude from it after it's gone. It's not that I don't believe in being with someone forever, but I tend to see love as a set of individual moments in time where I experience pure bliss. These moments are selfless and sweet, and they're all I think about.

(the photos above are from arrestedmotion.com)

I left Gary Baseman's show at the Skirball last night feeling so thankful and inspired that today I actually feel lightweight, like a block of worry has been released from my head. In order to translate the intense love that I sometimes feel, I absolutely must let go of anything holding me back. I will be thankful to Baseman forever for helping me see that.

If people don't like what I do, I won't let myself give them another thought. I've made a promise to myself to finally communicate all the love that I have to give, and it's honestly the most important thing I've ever done. If I've gotten this far in my life with all my worries and judgement, I cannot wait to see where I go now that I'm free from it.

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The something sweet, the language of looooove

On VERY heavy rotation lately. All of em! It may be a little eclectic for some (Rilo Kiley and Tom Waits on the same playlist yeahhhh yeah), but it makes a ton of sense in my head. I'm especially fond of the Kurt Vile tracks; it's like the two of us were joined at the brain and heart for one single moment in time, and when we separated we were left with the same idea of what great music should sound like. 

01. Marathon (Tennis)
02. Sea Of Love (Cat Power)
03. I've Been Let Down (Mazzy Star)
04. Silver Lining (Rilo Kiley)
05. Silver Soul (Beach House)
06. Ballad Of The Golden Hour (Widowspeak)
07. Shine A Light (The Rolling Stones)
08. My Best Friends (Kurt Vile)
09. Ends Of The Earth (Lord Huron)
10. Don't Worry Baby (The Beach Boys)
11. In My Dreams (Crosby, Stills & Nash)
12. Gun Street Girl (Tom Waits)
13. Left Behind (Grace Potter & The Nocturnals)
14. The Ghost On The Shore (Lord Huron)
15. Classic Rock In Spring/Freeway In Mind (Kurt Vile)

Listen and subscribe here. I'm really relieved that the latest big Spotify update allows everyone to select who they follow! There was some serious clutter that needed to be taken care of in that feed.

Last week I took this test as a joke (the name alone is enough to make me gag), but it has surprisingly explained a bunch of shit about me that I haven't been able to sort through on my own. I scored extremely high on Words Of Affirmation (11), and extremely low on Acts Of Service (1). The rankings are representative of the kind of love we need/are most comfortable giving. Do you have aaaaany idea how accurate that is?! This awful self-help quiz with the terrible name is fucking spot on, you guys, lol.

I don't like people doing things for me. I don't like it at all. I live for the phrase "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I'm particular and controlling about my life, but I've earned the right to be because I do everything on my own. Other people's efforts to help me just end up feeling intrusive and annoying even though I know they have good intentions. The only way to truly earn my trust and respect is by paying attention to what I say/how I do things and replicating it when I DO need to count on someone. There have only been 6 people that have ever been able to do that (Morales, I'm lookin at you!).

Basically my results can be summed up with this: Communicate with me efficiently and effectively...and then leave me be.

It's why I'm awful when people try to teach me things (don't want advice, don't want people watching me, would rather learn it on my own at my own pace), it's why I'm a bitch when people question things that I do, and most importantly, it's why I get so frustrated and upset when I don't feel that I'm being listened to or understood.

I always thought that it was weird that I pay more attention to people's words than their actions. I never understood "actions speak louder than words" because it is not true for me. If I have an idea to express, I don't act it out, I put it in words. I pay very little attention to the way that I act. It's probably why I've remembered practically ALL of the criticism I've ever been given, and have made careful note to not do those things again (as batshit crazy as that is) - because even if the person that said it wasn't being all that serious...they got my attention. The ONLY way I learn from a mistake is if someone says something that makes me feel embarrassed. Otherwise, it's lather, rinse, repeat.

A couple years ago I made a list of the men that I've loved in hopes of discovering what my "type" was, because it seemed like no one that I had ever loved had anything in common. The 3 big ones only had one similarity on my list: "He just had a way of saying things."

I can love someone for many reasons, but it seems as though the only thing that can make me stay is incredible communication.

I had all of the above thoughts in about a 2 minute span after taking that quiz, and thought to myself, "well.........alright." Haha. THAT explains why my relationship failed. THAT explains why the men I love are all entirely different. THAT explains why I will happily ignore someone's poor actions if they paint a nice picture with their words. The moooore yooouuu knoooooow!

And on a final, totally unrelated note, the mehndi on my hand from the wedding is making me look diseased. Fading/flaky henna is not a good look.

Self discovery, you guys...

OH PS, WANNA SEE ME IN 6TH GRADE AND LAUGH A WHOLE LOT? Click here. No fucks given.

EDIT - WAIT....I downloaded the Tamagotchi app for my iPhone on Wednesday and it made me think of how I had 3 of them when I was little; I had a kitty GigaPet, a Tamagotchi, and a Nano Baby. The GigaPet was the first one I got, but I COULD NOT keep it alive. So I just Googled...and found that the entire internet had this same problem in 1997. Some genius girl put a youtube video up and kept hers alive for like 100 days and explained how to keep it healthy, and it blew my mind. AND HER PROFILE PIC IS DANA SCULLY. Apparently there are like thousands of me on the internet. We all have the same interests.

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The Mariposa Grove of Giant Trees, the wedding, the Mondays

Having trouble deciding what to say about the weekend I just had.

Cindy's family is so great. I was totally wrong in the last post when I said it was an Indian themed wedding. Xiomara married an Indian man, but I somehow didn't remember Cindy telling me that. It was an Indian wedding. Halfway, anyway. It was nuts, and was definitely the most fun I've ever had at a wedding.

I had the time and atmosphere to do a lot of thinking over the past few days. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

We went to Yosemite on Sunday and explored. That place took my breath away.

Sorry friends, those are all the words I've got today. Pictures are much better.

Photo locations: Bass Lake, Pines Resort, Yosemite Valley (tunnel view), Mariposa Grove of Giant Trees

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